If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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