I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
