but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
