Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
