I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
