So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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