No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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