I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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