The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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