got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You made out with two different species that night
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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