I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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