dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
