No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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