Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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