I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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