how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
