So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
