Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
