Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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