First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
