Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
