Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize