apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He shit in the fireplace
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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