When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
