I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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