Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
