I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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