Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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