if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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