we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
