i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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