I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
