I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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