you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
