Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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