Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
