Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She's the barista slut.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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