how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
