even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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