i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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