I swear she didn't look like that last week.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
