I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
