I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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