did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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