omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
