I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
