i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
