Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize