I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
