"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
