Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
