last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
