he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Gay?
German.
Pity.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
