i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize