Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
