I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
All the doctor said was why
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
