I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
