i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
being pregnant is like rehab
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
